Marmalade Skies » Blog Archive » ‘I wish the ground would open up and swallow me’ - I want to disappear

14 Jul, 2008

‘I wish the ground would open up and swallow me’ - I want to disappear

Posted by: User Image Penny (Who am I?) In: If You've Got Trouble...

Sometimes when I am around others I just want to disappear. This is a terrible feeling, it’s almost like I start to feel trapped and all my mind can focus on is getting out. I don’t want to focus on conversation: I can’t make conversation. I just think about how stupid I am and how I do not want anyone to see me.

I know this is a terrible way to think about myself. I have no confidence in myself, I fear that everyone is judging me, and for some reason I think, even if they really are, that it is right and what they think of me is who I am. But I know I am not what others think of me. I try so hard to love myself but sometimes, it’s true, I do hate myself.

I have written a lot about learning to be who you want, and doing this in spite of what others think you should be. I truly believe this, I really do. It helps me, too, to know that I am on the right path. It is just that sometimes I forget it. I need to constantly remind myself that I am, and hopefully I will begin to get these feelings less and less.

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Tags: Anxiety, Blushing, Depression, Erythrophobia, fear of blushing, feelings, individuality, Life, love yourself, Personal, Psychology, Self Esteem, self-confidence, Self-image, Social Anxiety, social phobia

2 Responses to "‘I wish the ground would open up and swallow me’ - I want to disappear"

1 | no image Nick (Who am I?)

July 14th, 2008 at 4:45 pm

I’m sorry you feel that way, I can relate I’ve been struggling a lot with self loathing just lately, mainly about my appearance.

Thanks for visiting. It’s just a constant struggle isn’t it? Oh well, I’m keeping myself busy at the moment, it really helped earlier.

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2 | no image lostintranslation11 (Who am I?)

July 19th, 2008 at 1:16 am

I’m a few days late responding to this…but I can’t help but to comment regardless…
It is so unfortunate in my mind that so many people suffer from the affliction of self-doubt, self-loathing and struggle so much to like and accept themselves. We are one in this world and every beautiful thing you come across, in spirit, character and/or physical, is just another aspect of you, yourself. You are a divine essence of being. To not understand or honor that truth is a tragedy. Every negative idea you have about yourself does not actually come from the truth of you. Rather it comes from the self-loathing of others; society projecting that onto you and your choice to believe in that as opposed to what is truth. This struggle merely means that somewhere along the line you’ve taken this in as your truth, when the actual truth is you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are the divine essence of being in this world. Even if you can’t believe what I’m saying here, please at least try to comtemplate honoring “my” truth for a moment each day, as opposed to the negative deceits about ourselves which we are often (and sadly) programmed with.
Sorry to rant here… I pray I’ve not offended you with my words… ~Namaste~

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I'm a 21 year old girl who has just finished university in the UK and is wondering a lot about life. My blog contains personal, philosophical reflections on my journey, but also includes factual posts on anything from history to trichotillomania.